Here come the men in Black.

Posted: February 20, 2011 in Uncategorized

Wallan,

So I have a lot of time lately to update ya’ll, as today I am on hafnis, which is basicly the army giving me time off to sit physical tests, I dont know the results yet.

So today is Sunday, dude and dudeetts do you know how long it has been since I slept in on a sunday. Wowwwww.  and with the rain outside and thinking of all the poor suckers outside in the rain cold, hahhaha.

So I dont know what to tell you all, I am going to ulpan on the 27th than kicking some ass to go to the mechanics course. so the hospital was intresting, I walk in there, and I swear to g-d if your looking for all the Arabs in Israel (g-d knows why on earth you would want to) go to the hospitals, not once did I hear Hebrew being spoken, untill they spoke to me of course. so I am siting there waiting for my appointment and in walks this old Druze man, and I swear to g-d I tryed so hard not to laugh, he had this mostuche that made him look like a catfish with a walking stick, and if you think Jews are bad at waiting in line, wait till you see the Arabs, dayamnnnn.

Lately I have been having real bad problems sleeping, and I dont know if it’s conected to the thing I refuse to speak about. I dont know I have been dreaming about wearing kippot and teiflin latley lol,

so cause I aint been in the army for 5 days I have nothing new to report, but wow mtv has some shit programs,

for one pimp my ride, big ron’s car, big fat black dude, they  give him a curb feller for his cadalak and 24 carrat gold rims. now “who the fuck gives a nigger from the ghetto gold rims” they will be jacked in like 5 minutes.

next Paris hiltions new bff: Who the fuck wants to be that bimbos friend, I swear like Daniel said ” retarded people are like dogs, and some dogs have an iq higher than retard people” and unfortunattly Paris hiltion you are a retard.

Life as Liz: Now this chick is hottt, I swear she is the sexiest nerd I have ever seen, wow and her whitty outlook and sarcasim is great.

if you realy knew me: guys you been talking for 5 seconds and your all ready crying, one how much money did you get and how long does that lovey dovy shit last. it’s human nature to judge others and to be mean to others.( not that you should do it, but its human nature)

Also Friday was intresting, Dinner at Yochi and Ruvin’s house like normal, but with a twist and I aint to sure if I should say as it aint my good news to tell. and next week the new Volunteers are here wow what fun thats going to be, I swear it’s first impretions man first impretions.

Latley on my base there is one girl who has been taking my intrest. Meital. but it’s so bloody hard to talk to her, as I work outside and down the bottom of the base in the garage whilest she works up and in an office. and when I do get to see her I am to bussy to talk properly, the cute thing is She understands English fine but I aint to sure if she is just not confident to use it, cause she can speak it, but I wish she would her accent is damn cute. But tomorrow I am in that office to sign papers sending me to course ulpan, and damn it I swear I am going to have a good conversation with her and force her to speak english, by refusing to speak Hebrew, throw in the odd complement and playfull teaseing etc, and see how it goes.

hopefully this course will improve my hebrew even more I think I am pretty good, I just get confused with saying certen words and cant spell in hebrew and I understand majority of everything that is said to me, and can read ok, not the best but I can understand basic texts etc. I am wanting to stay in the army, as a nagad or kitzin I realy want kitzin, and to work as a mechanic for tanks or in the nahal infintry battalions after my 3 years.

anyway

later guys

Zane

Posted: February 18, 2011 in Uncategorized

So whats up I am back now and boy boy what news I have for you.

Well after all the talk of me going to work for a special forces unit in Nahal, I ended up there for two weeks. since the last time I updated.

there was a huge fire in Israel, were I ended up going after my unit got mobilized. this is something I realy dont want to go into detail about on a public place, it was very horrible.

and in December I ended up in my first Training excersise. and trust the IDF to do this in the middle off winter and in a fucking storm on top of a mountain.

So the night before the new officer calls me into her offce to tell me to issue out a weapon, and wet weather gear from the logestics team as we are going to the training excersie. I couldnt belive my luck finaly I was going to see some cool shit. this cute officer even told me “Arik there will be tanks and I will show you my old tank unit”. being the typical forigner soldier I was giddy abasloutly boyish with excitment.

So I went and issued my gear out, and oh my god I never put it on I refused, I dont know what the fuck was up with it, helemt and vest fine, wet weather gera on fucking way, I told the guy  vova there is no way I am wearing this it spells like vomit, I issued it out anyway and left it in the jeep the whole time.

I got my weapon from him aswell and reported back to the officer, ready to go,  I couldnt wait for it I didnt sleep all night, I reported 3pm next day and off we went in a car with the officer chick (who I could not take my eyes off) a cornal in the reserve army and two other reserve soldiers. an hour driving and the weather was shit it was cold deathly cold rain, we stoped at the Israeli version of burger king and typical fassion I head to the book store get a book called son of hamas (decent book by the way recomended) and we go and all eat at burgerranch, as we eat a squad of  blue beret united nations peacekeepeing fucks walked in (im not a big fan) stearing at us, m-16 short slung across my back.

So we finish eating and being a novilty in the army as  I speak english every reserve soldier was talking with me and were realy nice (if you want to impress a girl seriously be star of the crowd)

another 3 hours we arrive at the location, up the side of the hill this is were my officer decideds for unknowed reasons to take my gun for herself, the weather got worse, it was one of those nights and one of the bigist storms of winter in recent Israeli history, and here I am freazing my ass off in a tent on the side of a hill.. now the mud was horrible hundrads of feet and cars had turned it into a bog. I saw people slip and slid all night,

I helped the officer chick (I am pourbosly not using her name) carry a box to the tent in the middle of the fucking storm, expecting it to contain something cool like ammo or granades even a computer that could lanuch missiles, so I asked “what is all this anyway”? as we stuck the box on the ground she opend it and it was all fucking pens and rulers etc. sarcasticly I look up at her and said “oh yeah well they allways said the pen is mighter than the sword” she laughs and goes on to explain to me that this is thee comand center, I lokked around and she was right there were phones and maps high ranking officers, and a cool satilite map that could show all the jeeps hummers trucks apc’s tanks and foot soldier positions and when anyone got into trouble it would flash red a aalarm would sound and tell you were the unit was exactly. I was impressed. I sat down with nothing to do the rain still proing outside and the wind threatning to blow us off the hill at any moment. I was so so cold my hands were blue. I pulled out my book and cookies and coke (yep I brought that to the feild sue me) and sate down and red the book,  “this looks intresting” the officer chick said siting next to me whats it about I explain to her in my moderate level of hebrew, and her moderate english what it’s about. “You have to sit down and explain to me about this book when your finished” she said and she continued to work on her map and computer.  so I continued to read the book. and finished it at about 9pm, ” the officer chick was impressed keept compmenting me on my english skills  showing all the other officers how I finished this big english book in a matter of hours, so we get talking I found out she is 21 I was supprised a leutenent one rank away from captian at 21. she keept asking me about New Zealand and my life there,, I also found out her grand father was born in Indian on the way to Israel, she is not half indian like me but it was a little cool bit of information. and we get to playing hand games, or as I call it slaps, were one person keeps hiting your hands untill you movie it and they miss if you flinch before they hit you they get a free hit. so both off us tired and cold and wet started playing this game all the other officers came and watched, “I aint going to go easy on you just cause your a girl” I told her, and in perfect english she replies “Bring it” so I satrt crack my blue ice cold hand hits her equally ice cold hand. I play mind games to see if I can make her flinch, I go in for the next hit, streaing into her eyes, annnnnnnd I miss, fuck, the second incharge of the whole battalion laughs at me “come on Arik dont let her beat you come on” so she starts playing the mind tricks and the painfull hits follow, my hands swell no matter what I c did I couldnt win my turn, after about 15 hits and many laughs I could not go on, yes I was beaten by a girl.

now the night was very cold and violent winds. we go back to the jeep. I hop in the air conditoning is on hot, the wind rocks the car a the rain pounding the windows “what are we doing here I ask” sleeping of course”  the officer chick replied now I dont know but for me sleeping with two girls and another guy in a car, the guy and one of the girls your comanding officers, is very strange to me, coming from a british army system were officers are distant from there soldiers, but okk,

so the two girls take the back seats and me and the other guy my comander were in the front, air con on full, and I swerar I had a great nights sleep,  next morning we took the jeep to a gas station were I got coke chocolate gum chips and cookies. and brushed my teath, no shower that day,. we go back and after along 3 hours we all pack up and leave the area, after much pulling and hard work to get the veichales from the mud. than I saw it the army hires civilen buses at times to transport troops, turns out this guy had taken a wrong turn in the night and ended up stuck in the mud and I mean stuck, up to the weels and bumper. so the guy tells us the civilen company wants the equvilent of $3000 new zealand dollars to get it out, being mechanics andhaving armourd personal carriers we thought we would help me hooked the bus to the APC and pulled for an hour we tried, one final go and a sickning bang and crunch, “that cant be good” I said to one of the solders pissing myself laughing sure enough we had ripped the bumber off this guys bus I dont know whated happend after that or if he ever got his bus out as I was called away to beit shean with my officer. were we aint shwarmer.

in short I had a good time for the time I was there and there is even a part I can not tell you as it is very classified, but it does envolve a very special Israeli army unit. but I didnt get to see the tanks which sucked but I was more lucky than the kravi as they had to sleep in the rain. second night while I was returned to base as I had another job to do.

the officer chick is very very cute 21 years old bloody smart, and speaks ok english, but beacuse I am in another unit now I dont see her so much but we were laughing and talking the other say (for some reason she finds my jokes funny) the whole unit went bowling I sucked big time ate alot that night I worked so hard that day and was so hungry. and the week after we had pizza night at one of the girls houses with her mum and dad, were the guys fort it would be approprate to show her a video of me singing in hebrew and saying I am going to enter the Israeli verion of American Idol, and again was laughing at my story of when I was arrested in jordan and deportad to Israel.

Ilike her alot unfortunatly I aint the only guy I know of at least two others that like her, but dont say it to her, and one guy I aint sure if it’s male ego keeps saying she drops hints to him by asking if he has a girlfriend.  I dont say anythingas well those guys are Israeli and speak full hebrew, I am not and so dont think she would be intrested with a english speaking forigner.

january saw me move to the yamach, most of the soldiers there get to go home every day. I and my comander refused this  one as I live to far and for me there is no honner in it, but the Israelis say I am dumb and I should just go home everyday. it also saw me in hospital for the first itme in years (that will be a post in it’s self) and

Febuaray

I met with the sumchat the second in charge of nahal, and told him I want to move, he promised if I get my health profile to 72 he will send me to tanks. but I think I will stay in the ordance corps as a mechanic, same benifeits as kravi less shit good skill, also in war I go with the kravi to the lines and have the possiblity of seeing and being in combat. but in peace I do a job, and am home every weekend, so why change a good thing? nd my comander is great. so yeah anyway ya’ll im off to bed as it’s 0230 and I need sleep and maybe food anyway.

Shabat shalom

Israeli army ranks and whats what

Posted: November 20, 2010 in Uncategorized

So I will me making many references to Army ranks and positions held by people. Since Israel is a conscript army ranks are earned by time not by courses etc.

So the first  ranks structure

Hogrim (or conscripts)

Turai (Private, this is the lowest rank and has no insignia etc, and you have no right to complain about things as you don’t have pazam(I will explain what this is later)

Rabat (Corporal is the first rank on the ladder and is two strips that are worn on your sleeves but only on your dress uniform, you gain this if you’re a fighter after 8 months for jobnicks like me who serve in a fighter unit in dangers bases also gain this after 8 months, and Jobnicks who are not in fighter units and are not in a dangers base and push paper etc, gain this after 10 months. you at this time have a very very little bit of Pazam and can complain about things and if you want the bottom bunk you will be given it before the turai’s. oh and also their is a problem with this rank fighters who we call kravi don’t where this on their uniform (they only were the first sgt rank) because my unit is a fighter unit the jobnicks also traditionally did not were the rank of rabat. but the rasar( the guy who is in charge of base matince and discipline) has said we need to start wereing it needles to say we dont listen.

Samal( Sgt) this is gained after about a year and 6 months or so in the army. this is a guy who has pazam and is almost done with the army.

Samal rishon (first sgt) this guy is about 5 to 8 months away from finishing the army, we has pazam and acts like your unofficial big brother they tell you how to deal with army shit and are very knowable, in a line they will be given first preference of things, and if you complain to them depending on how you say it they joke with you.

(now horim if you’re a private you don’t have to listen to the first sgt sgt or cpl, and this is the same for all horim, as they don’t have the authority to issue you orders, of course if they ask you do stuff you do it because there your mates and you want to help them out. the only exception for this is if they have done a commanders course. if this is so and it is more important in kravi they will were a green rope on there uniform and they do have the authority to give orders, they are called mifakdem, and have done course makim)

Nagadim.

Nagadim are Warrent officers, they have not done the officers course but have done there 3 years in the army and have decided to make a career out of it. They are what is called you mifaked and they are your commanders. there is one nagad who is your personal commander of your team (at the moment my team or in hebrew tzvet, is only me and my commander) then there is the your unit commander who is in charge of all the teams in your core. above him is an officer who signs off on things for us. and above her is a one falafel (will explain soon) guy who is our big boss. above him is the base commander.

there is a saying in Israel if you don’t learn you’re a nagad. but you have to listen to them

Officers( hebrew:kitzinim)

officers are people who have done the officers course and done advanced training and hold positions of importance. they can punish you and can sign off on leave. some times you have to salute but most of the time you don’t have to this army is very informal. junior officers have bars on their sholdiers one bar is the lowest officer two bar and three bar etc.

from there are command officers or as we all them falafel as there symbol is a leaf thing that looks like a falafel. these are high-ranking officers. one falafel being the lowest of the command officers. two falafel (the two falafel I know is the head of my base) three falafel as very very high up and is head of all of Nahal.

then comes the  supreme commanders. with the swords one sword might me in charge of say all of the intelligence in the army or all the ordnance soldiers. then comes a sword and one falafel. they could me in charge of command areas like northern command or southern command. then the sword and two falafel there is only one in the army and he is Head of the army the big boss at the moment Gabi Ashkenazi. and he has to answer to the minister of defence who answers to the prime minister who answers two the parliament and president, who answer to the people of Israel.

different meaning of ropes you will see on people’s shoulders.

purple is for the mishaketash. they are girls and are the army social workers they help with money and dealing with army shit to make sure your general well-being is being taken care off.

White. are education officers they are the teachers of the army, like in michve alon the commanders there were not mifakdem but  teachers but for the sake of the course we had to call the mifakdem.

Green are for proper mifakdem and they have more responsibility than normal horim.

normally horim as I said have no authority but people with the ropes are granted authority and are allowed to issue orders, not so much the mishakitash or the education officers. but definitely the green they are commanders and If I go to that course that means my comander could spend more time dealing with the paper work side of things and leave me in charge of up to 4 soldiers and work on the veichals in the feild.

 

Pazam:

Pazam is an acronym in Hebrew meaning time spent in the army and is like a unofficial rank structure. the more time spent in the army the more right you have to complain about things. you know how things work your takin more seriously. Myself in January will have been in the army for 8 months this is a very very little Pazam I have a rank. and know how things work now, but I still have no right to complain because I am new, but I have more right to complain than someone who has been in the army 3 months. proper Pazam with the right to complain about the army and when people listen to you is after about one and a half years. and after this time you have the right to start saying Ad Matai (in hebrew means untill when) bassicly untill when must I serve untill when must I do something, in the army this is graffiti on everything. the commanders hate it, if you say this in basic training you will be kept back one weekend

 

So were to start were to start,

well about 4 weeks ago I was given a ticket by the army police, as my hair was to long( I know I know), The army police are the most hated army corps in all of Israel even the civilians hate them.

What happens is they are only allowed to go home something like once a month from what I am told so they hate on all the rest of the soldiers, as we can go home every weekend or after 17 days for 4 days. or in some cases people go home everyday  than report for duty in the morning.

So how does this happen you might ask well I was heading to my base after the weekend you know, and first this 18 year old very cute army police girl walks over to me, asks me my name number etc.  than she goes on in Hebrew (now I understood what she was saying but I like to play a little game called I don’t understand you, when someone tries to tell me off) so She switches to heavily accented english giggling all the way through and says ” Your uhhhh here (spelt wrong on purpose to show how bad her english was) is ahhh too much” all the while she is running her hand through my hair, now I know I am attractive but don’t expect to be hit on at the bus station.  So I told her ” yeah I know sorry” and she seriously says it’s fine don’t worry about it and asks if I come to this stop a lot, so I tell her yeah I am on a base near to here. she smiles and says she is their next Thursady and she might see me then.

 

So I walk out felling very damn good about myself and start heading to the stop when I get a call. I pick up my phone and see it’s Rahn my mate from base, he only speaks hebrew and I understand him perfectly. so I answer the phone “Shalom Rhan”  (don’t forget this took place in hebrew ) “Arik? the stop has changed don’t go to Hatzor go to junction machanim” (me) “What you said to come here I am all ready here damn it I will see you in 5″. so I hang up the phone grab the next bus and head to the junction, I get of and less than 20 seconds after I get off the bus a car stops in front of me. “Soldier here now” Fuck I thought as I saw it was to warrant officers in a car from the army police.  I tell them immediately I don’t speak hebrew which works a charm they don’t now any English as they are two big Fat idiots Nagadim (I will explain what they are in a later post) they tell ask nam rank number again, so I tell them they tell me go to my base and tell my commander the army police spoke to me. so I call my commander I tell him he says don’t worry about it. so two weeks pass and I am called into the office of the head of the base I walk in he starts telling me I have a ticket from the army police and my punishment is 14 days on base, I tell him this is bullshit and explain that I was not given anything by hand and my commander said not to worry about it. So he shows me the paper, turns out the army police faxed the ticket to the base.

 

So now I am on the other side of all that bullshit and am on holiday for a week. so I visited Jerusalem again, seriously the old city it takes almost 2 hours to drive 4 km’s because the roads suck and there are so many people to go see a walled city less than 4 square kilometers.  I went with one of the volunteers from the kibbutz Ari.  and I went in uniform as I don’t have to pay for buses or trains when i am in it. so here I was walking through the arab part of the city in uniform asking for a church. then the arab call to prayer comes on and on top of the heat and sound of so many people this loud yelling arab on a megaphone starts yelling, than a huge line of americans walk past and a lady yells  real loudly “Jesus is lord!” I started to piss myself laughing as here are all these arabs an Israeli soldier a south african ( Ari) and praying muslims and she starts yelling this out.

I also went to the old city of Akko this week, and never again am I going back to that smelly place the Arabs have wrecked it completely, now I am a history buff and to see horses shitting in the streets of a 1500 year old city pissed me off completely. I swear that city needs them all kicked out and cleaned up. it’s a disgrace. the Arabs where having some sort of party for a holiday of there’s, so there were cops every were (again I was in uniform), I spent 30 minutes in that part of the city then left the smell was too much I got a head ache. I  manged to get to a police check point and had to stop , the smell over came me and I threw up in the bush right by the police check point. this very cute police women who looked to be about 20 came over to me ( she is Jewish by the way) “soldier soldier are you ok”  I stood up tried talking and vomited again, I manged to tell her the smell was disgusting in the old city. I told here it’s what happens when you breed like rabbits and have no money and let fucking horses in the city. She looked at me and smiled and said “I know soldier it’s disgusting right, where are you heading anyway?”  So I tell her I am heading to my kibbutz. she radios to one of her fellow officers and he comes with a police car they tell me to get in and drive me to the gate of my kibbutz.

I am felling better by the way. Oh and I saw the new harry potter last night. good movie fucking suck audience ARABS. the sooner they go back to work the better. I swear you walk into the mall and fucking little kids everywhere as the parents just dumb them there for the day by the looks of it. they spit they push they shove. so I was in my movie and again in uniform. the whole cinema is filled by Arabs I swear I was the only person in that cinema that did not know arabic. the kids would not shut up the girls were taking pictures on their phones in the movie with the flash on. the kids would not sit still they opened the fire exit and the manager came to shut it. on the fourth time during the intermission the girls took a picture again with the flash on in the dark and this kid was kicking my chair. I was pissed so I stood up and started yelling at them in Hebrew I said “What the hell do you think you’re doing, your at a movie not a club stop with the pictures now” I pointed at the kid and told him ” I swear if you kick my chair again it will be the last think you do yamanyak (throwing in my Arabic word here)” he sat down immediately fast for a 13-year-old. god it’s times like those I love the uniform.

 

I don’t normally say this and don’t just hate Arabs but I know were people are coming from when they say they smell and are ill-behaved fucks.

 

anyway back to the army next week never thought I would say it but yayyy.

Shabbat Shalom kids

Arik

Hay welcome to the new spot

Posted: November 19, 2010 in Uncategorized

So basicly I gave up on the last blog as it kinda sucked big time. So for those of you that don’t all ready know I will give you a quick run down of most things up to today.

I was born in New Zealand and grew up there, I left when I was 18 finished school and came to serve in the Israeli army. call me crazy but at the time I was Zionistic.still am somewhat but not as much as I was.

I Enlisted on may the 4th and have now been in the army 6 months spending 3 months in the army’s Hebrew school  for soldiers. which at the time seemed like the most horrible place on earth but it relay wasn’t.

I was not given a high enough medical profile to serve in the infantry unit’s but have many friends that are there or were there.  I am a Jobnik but not a paper pusher, I serve Israel by fixing all the hummers jeeps and trucks, for the army, It is  called in the Israeli army combat support, so we are Jobniks but we carry guns and enter the battlefield in times of war and help the infantry.

I live on a kibbutz and have it sweet.

 

So that’s  a little about me and will continue to update this as I can.

Later

Zane/ Arik (Oh in Israel everyone knows me as Arik because the word Zane how it is spelled in Hebrew, means something not good)